A Night's Reflection.

I'm happy that I am alive, and grateful that I'm free. And capable of doing, and feeling, and thinking.

But I have found myself in a changing phase, which I don't like, and I'm unstable… That sounds quite harsh but although I’m 21, and I’m supposed to be a fully grown capable human being… I still feel like a child in many aspects. Many parts of my mind, emotions and body remain a complete mystery to me…

Starry Night, by Vincent Van Gogh

But then I wonder.... Aren't we always changing, evolving... Well I've been through a lot of challenging and difficult things lately, I guess it's normal for me not to be so good... OMG I don’t know. It looks as though every time I try and I’m about to fulfil the requirements that I now consider valuable something happens. Which leaves me unable to proceed… Does this mean that I’m weak? Or is it just normal? Should I keep pushing, even though it might hurt?

I think I'm just afraid of not succeeding, and that is why I don't take a step forwards... Maybe I'm just tired... But tired of what? And why am I tired? I'm young! I shouldn't be. Right? But I know I have to do it, to study hard, finish my book, find a better job, get to university, find love and real friends. And I know that if I don't do it I will never respect myself.

And here I am, at 22;45pm, my room is all messy, and I feel like I want but I don't and I don't know.... Hahahaha that doesn't make any sense...

Anyway, I guess that admitting you have got a problem is the first step towards improvement. And now I face the fact that I don't really know what my problem is. As I'm writing this I'm thinking... maybe it's due to a trauma from the past... But a second thought immediately suppressed the first one. "It doesn't matter who or what is to blame. The only important thing is to find a solution !"

I’ve decided to take it slowly, I mean to work persistently though I might fail sometimes, without losing track, without being mad, without punishing myself. I hope I’ll grow, I desire to find peace and balance within myself….

Oh well I hope I'm not bothering you by opening my mind to you.... It just helps me... Good night. :)